#essay on catholicism

[icryveryeasily]

[hauntingsunshine14]

SPOILERS FOR ALIEN ROMULUS

no seriously like spoilers for the ending not just a bit in the middle

It's just a funny (hilarious) bit of foreshadowing but still spoilers

I'm driving home from watching this movie with my mother, and we're both just yapping about how we liked it, and I was suddenly reminded of what I noticed about Isabela Merced's character Kay!

Early on in the movie, we get a shot of her in bed after she tells Rain that she's pregnant, with a flat oval necklace clearly displayed.

This isn't the exact scene, but example:

you can kinda see the necklace once you zoom in

This medal is easily identifiable even from the distance/lack of detail thanks to Catholic guilt! yay! This is a Miraculous Medal (pictured below)

This is a necklace that centers Mary with a whole bunch of lore attached that details how St. Catherine Labouré saw Mary in a vision (twice technically) and the second time was instructed to

 “Have a medal struck upon this model. Those who wear it will receive great graces, especially if they wear it around the neck. Those who repeat this prayer with devotion will be, in a special manner, under the protection of the Mother of God. Graces will be abundantly bestowed upon those who have confidence.”

tldr: it's a very common and recognizable representation of Mary, they often have these medals at catholic churches as back when I worked at mine they were literally just sitting in the lobby.

What made me laugh so profusely in my car ride home is that Mary is considered literally THE mother in Christan lore and Kay does in fact give birth at the end of the movie... to what is essentially Weyland-Yutani Jesus.

Technically she took David's goo injection and produced the 'Offspring' (apparently what the horrifying human/xenomorph is called) (I prefer W-Y Jesus)

This is a wonderful bit of foreshadowing for the ending sequence, coupled with the engraving of Romulus and Remus and the Capitoline wolf, as well as the painting that was zoomed in on right before of a mother and child. And kinda as well to the whole thing about Weyland-Yutani trying to 'play God' with humanity's evolution.

But, on a larger more franchise-wide scale, this foreshadowing continues on with some of the themes from the previous two movies concerning origins and beginnings, as the whole Mary/Jesus thing is technically speaking, the 'origin/beginning' part of the New Testament. This is shown very plainly in the titles (Prometheus, Covenant, Romulus) which are all pulled from various origin stories - Greek, Abrahamic, and Roman. Prometheus stole fire, the covenants in the Torah/Pentateuch, and the founding of Rome. All different stories about the growth of humanity, ranging from how to live all the way up to founding empires. These ideas somewhat parallel the actual events of the movies.

B/c we watch David - and therefore Weyland-Yutani - discover the goo, experiment on it, learn how to interact with it, and then attempt to build a new empire with it.

It's a very messy analogy and kinda? does not fit with the Mary thing in Romulus, but in very broad strokes it ties in well enough, which for the whole confusing Prometheus/Covenant situation is par for the course.

Overall, Alien: Romulus is an amazing addition to the franchise and at the risk of sounding cheesy is literally a breath of fresh air. Right down to the pacing of the movie, it's classic Alien. I loved it, and even if you haven't seen any of the alien movies or even if you've only seen the first, and even if you have these spoilers, it's a fantastic experience!

(and for all the alien: isolation lovers there's such a cute nod to the game in the movie)

[sheridan-le-fanu]

since I stopped being Catholic, it's harder to do work without the guilt, so I just started picturing Leorio being disappointed that I'm wasting my education, and it has a similar effect to "Jesus died for your sins."

[soulsmusings]

Maiden Astraea and the Grief of Lost Faith

Many Souls fans liken the Maiden Astraea fight in Demon's Souls to Great Grey Wolf Sif in Dark Souls, describing both as tearjerkers that made them "feel like the bad guy."

The comparison always rubbed me the wrong way—not because it was misplaced or dishonest, but because it was shallow.

It centers how the player feels, and only that. To be fair, this is an understandable response, and definitely an overt part of the text. Against both Astraea and Sif, the player's success in combat, which has thus far been their primary means of progress, is now being scrutinized in a way that casts them unfavorably. They're being forced to reckon with the personhood of the enemy, with their enemy's good intentions and noble virtues.

Suddenly the assumption underpinning most video games—that your actions are good because they're yours—is overturned, and the mechanical rewards for combat are now complicated by emotional punishment. You're fighting a good person, and so you, the player, might just be a bad person.

This is very much in tune with the video gaming zeitgeist of the early 2010s. Dark Souls released just a year before Spec Ops: The Line, which does this same trick on an enormous scale, to well-deserved critical success. Players are placed in the mind of a paranoid American soldier in the Middle-East, and slowly slip into moral depravity as they go from "fighting terrorists" to "suppressing insurgents" to dropping white phosphorous on a refugee camp.

"Are we the baddies?" was really quite a novel idea at the time. It was novel enough that it could be the driving thesis of an entire game.

Perhaps this is why it still stands as the prevailing sentiment around Maiden Astraea—especially when Great Grey Wolf Sif, whose boss fight falls pretty squarely in line with the trend, is such an immediate point of comparison.

But the fight with Maiden Astraea and Garl Vinland is saying something more than that, I feel. The comparison to Sif is what crystallized this vague feeling into a clear, certain thesis for me. It's not just that the player is set against someone "good" or "noble" in Astraea, in the way that Sif is a good dog.

Astraea sets the player against someone human, who is experiencing the height of human loss: the loss of faith.

On some level, all of Demon's Souls is about our human yearning for the sublime, be it supernal or infernal, and the horrible failure that comes when we reach too far.

King Allant reaches for sublime power. In so doing, he achieves a new perspective that shatters his previous understanding of the world—including the values of feudalism and nationalism that drove him to seek power in the first place.

Sage Freke reaches for sublime truth. He believes that with knowledge that is normally forbidden to mortals, he can achieve the just and equitable world that is normally denied to mortals. In the end, however, he fails to consider his own mortal limitations, and he succumbs to the influence of the demon souls.

So on and so forth. The pattern is a familiar one. As Arthur Machen says in his supernatural horror story, "The White People," true sin comes in the "attempt to penetrate into another and higher sphere in a forbidden manner." This plays out with many key characters of Demon's Souls, each one exploring this cardinal sin from a new angle.

Saint Astraea does this too, yet she does it from an angle that I, as a former Catholic, find uniquely sympathetic. It begins when she reaches out for God, and catches only empty air.

"Dear Lord, you are too cruel... You have abandoned us. Is that not punishment enough?"

It's never stated what exactly causes this realization in Astraea—that the God of her world is a distant watchmaker at best, a cruel absent parent at worst. It could have been a direct revelation, such as King Allant received from the Old One, but this doesn't seem likely.

From what the text offers us, I think that Astraea's faith was broken by the Valley of the Defilement itself.

We hear from Biorr that King Allant "fought vigilantly against the vile and depraved," and we see through Yuria's torture that these labels were used for people on the fringes of society, to justify their persecution. Surely this extends also to the "lost and ill-fortuned souls" who were driven to the Valley of Defilement. The land was presumably called the "Valley of Defilement" well before the demon scourge broke out, and so it's the inhabitants themselves—the poor, the diseased, the unwanted—who are the "defilement." Them, and the rubbish and waste that are disposed of there.

The fact that we see aborted fetuses at various points throughout the Valley, mingled with the muck and the refuse and the remains of animals, speaks to the dire state of living there. As the filthy beggar woman says, it's "all the rot of the world, living or not," and it leaves no room for sanity or dignity.

Whatever can be said of the exact circumstances that produced this, or of the land itself, the fact remains that the misery of the Valley's inhabitants is of decidedly human origin.

Bear this in mind when you consider that the Church of Demon's Souls sends missionaries there—as if the Valley folk were suffering from some natural calamity, and not from the malice of the ruling class.

Perhaps that's all the Church could do. After all, the real-life Catholic Church has always been a powerful political entity, but never have they been able to erase poverty or prejudice, or directly stop a monarch from doing something. The same must apply to the definitely-not-Catholic Church of this fictional world, which is pretty committed to realism in that regard.

But even so, it should come as no surprise that every missionary who entered the Valley of Defilement was killed, either by the people or by the land itself.

These missionaries come from the very society that drove the Valley's inhabitants to such inhumane lows. How would they, who live in relative comfort, know how to navigate this treacherous hellhole? And why would anyone accept charity from the hand that beats them down?

So when Saint Astraea enters the Valley of Defilement, full of genuine compassion and goodwill, what does she see?

She sees the sheer magnitude of human suffering, the depth of the squalor, the inhumanity that it represents... and no relief from anywhere. Not from the Church she serves, and not from God on high. Not even in this end-of-days scenario, when demons walk the earth and miracles are witnessed again, does God's supposed mercy reach the Valley.

Saint Urbain might be a deluded, bigoted fool, but he might not be entirely wrong when he calls the people of the Valley "those left behind by God." Perhaps all of mankind has been left behind, and only in the Valley of Defilement is that truth laid bare.

What can anyone do in the face of such a horrible truth?

If you don't run away from them, how do you answer people who are suffering and dying on this scale? If they need miracles, and God does not provide, what do you do?

These questions don't pertain solely to the fiction of Demon's Souls. These are questions that have echoed across human history, philosophy, theology, and myth. Reckoning with the impossible scale of human suffering—the inevitability of it, the ubiquity of it, the horrible depths of it—has been the preoccupation of our greatest thinkers for, well, pretty much all of our time on this planet.

Even when some of us arrive at an answer, it's never a wholly satisfactory answer, and it's usually contingent upon an existing framework of values and beliefs. The Pope says one thing, the Dalai Lama says another, so on and so forth, and the greater share of humanity continues to suffer all the while.

As for Astraea's answer, I'll once again quote the prologue to Machen's "The White People":

"[H]oliness works on lines that were natural once; it is an effort to recover the ecstasy that was before the Fall. But sin is an effort to gain the ecstasy and the knowledge that pertain alone to angels, and in making this effort man becomes a demon."

She does this quite literally. She cannot access the power of God, so she accepts a demon's soul, and uses its power to bring relief to the Valley of Defilement.

Because this power is infernal, not supernal, she cannot purify the foul stagnant waters of the swamp, nor can she cure the diseases of the poor. Rather, she gives the Valley's inhabitants an affinity for filth and disease; it becomes their sustenance rather than their bane, their strength rather than their weakness. The natural order is inverted completely.

This is why Astraea is "the most impure demon of all." Her demonic power imitates the divine mercy that she longs for, yet the results couldn't be more different—perhaps, also, because she extends her mercy to those deemed impure themselves. The description of the spell Death Cloud, made from Astraea's demon soul, says as much.

And in a cruel twist of irony, Astraea's damnation does not ease the pain and misery of the Valley's inhabitants. The Archstone before Astraea's boss room reads, "The poor journey to this rotten place to offer their souls [to Astraea] so that they might be freed from their suffering." They might be sustained by the Valley's filth now, but they are still suffering from it.

They find lasting relief only in giving up their souls to feed Astraea's power, thus perpetuating the whole horrible system.

Astraea's wounds bleed perpetually, never closing, never healing. Her blood fills the grotto where she sits as an object of adoration, still performing the functions of a religion that failed her. All she can say, over and over, is that God has abandoned her, abandoned the world—she has no fewer than three separate voice lines saying this.

Notably, though others might call her a witch, she never turns to "witchcraft" in the archetypal sense. Her grief never turns to anger; she never rails against God. She never discards her clerical robes, she never dons a pointed hat, and she never casts curses or spells. She is stuck as Maiden Astraea, Saint Astraea, frozen in a state of loss.

The moment of her trauma, of her loss of faith, is extended into perpetuity. Even the boss music reflects this:

The melody loops and loops and loops, and any resolution feeds immediately into another loop. It's a textural piece more than anything, but you can't help getting lost in the endless repetition of that simple, incomplete melody.

Astraea's knightly bodyguard, Garl Vinland, also seems to be lost in unending grief. He rests in a pile of corpses, never removing the armor that is the sign of his holy vow. If you kill Astraea before him, he simply stands in shock, unable to move or speak or act. Unable to move on.

Anyway, uhh...

All of this? A wound that never heals, a grief that never ends?

Yeah, that's... that's how it feels to have lost your faith.

That's how I feel, anyway.

As you probably gathered already, this reading of Astraea is informed by my perspective as an ex-Catholic, now agnostic. My own loss of faith was very painful. It spanned the entire length of my adolescence, into young adulthood—as my rational mind was growing, my queerness was rising to the level of conscious feeling, and nearly every support system in my life was failing me.

My parish community was run by hypocritical bullies, and harbored an actual, real, pedophile priest, but still I reached out to God for answers. I looked to theology instead of community, to study and meditation and prayer. I looked for answers to my own suffering, and to the world's suffering. I looked for resolutions to all the insane contradictions. I looked for something to sustain the faith that was being asked of me. Surely God wouldn't abandon me, even if my parents and teachers and peers were all against me.

In the end, it all fell out from under me. I found plenty to admire, but even more to doubt and disdain.

I couldn't stop loving God or Jesus, but now it felt like they were dead at my feet, and that rot and maggots were visibly eating the corpses—and that everyone around me was politely pretending that they weren't.

I remember crying to my mother when my dog died around this time, and she tried to comfort me with talk of heaven, and I was just inconsolable. All I could say, as I cried for this sweet little animal who had loved me, was that I was "scared for the world." That nothing could ever possibly be right, nothing in the whole wide world, if God weren't there. I could no longer imagine a good, just end to any human life or endeavor, because the only end was death.

I've since recovered from that very low point in my life, and grown into a much happier adult. The grief never left me entirely, though.

The loss of my faith is likely the single most impactful event in my life. Because I'm no longer Catholic, I was able to transition, and I was able to find friends and partners who mean everything to me...

...but because I was Catholic, and still feel that small aching hole inside, I've spent the greater part of my life immersed in art, literature, and philosophy that explores the space where God once lived in my heart. I've spent years studying apocalyptic religions and their various underpinnings—political, social, theological, and narratological. I've become a literary critic, and a scholar of Victorian religion. My first published article is about how Elizabeth Gaskell positions the Victorian working class as an "apocalyptic demographic."

My favorite musical is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. My favorite author is Arthur Machen. My favorite video game is Demon's Souls. The grief that I feel for my lost faith is hardly all of me, but it has touched every part of me.

So when people who have never experienced such grief compare Maiden Astraea to the big sad wolf from Dark Souls, I feel a little frustrated. As a character and a symbol, she's so much more than that.

I could go on, and resolve this rambling, messy, emotional essay in some kind of critical statement about Demon's Souls... but I think I'll just leave it at that. I suppose I just wanted other people to understand what I feel, to see what I see, and to know why this video game is special to me.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Umbasa.

[knownoshamc]

Armand said that French was his forth and worse language. So I'm assuming he spoke Hindi, Italian and English, too.

Do you think that he still remembers Hindi, at least as well as he used to? It just seems to me that Armand couldn't even keep his own language. Marius "educated him" with Italian & English (I mean the dude whitewashed him in his paintings, I doubt he let him have any connections with his country), then he had to learn French and speak only French (&latin maybe for rituals?), then they just had to speak English for "inclusivity" and modernising the Coven.

So does he remember his native tongue? does he want to remember?

[buttered-milky]

Idk I kinda like arguing nuance so anyways it’s really interesting to me how Melkor is described as being unable to create. That’s important because The Divine Act of Creation is what grounds literally every sentient thing in Arda. However comma I don’t wanna talk about that until later in the post. What I want to talk about is how much Melkor’s workaround for revoked arts and crafts privileges is or isn’t Creation.

This is a very simplified version of my thoughts but like. We get that he just changes other things to make his own right. That’s the thing tho. He’s Making. He’s still making. I’m sorry but if I hand a beloved friend of mine the Mona Lisa and they draw a shitty little stick figure doing a thumbs up on it for sillies they’ve still made new art, even if something else was the base. Maybe Melkor is doing the divinity equivalent of drawing mustaches and glasses on portraits of people but my god that is still art. (This post is wandering into Fuck Art Elitism territory I fear)

2 me the way the other Valar create and the way Melkor creates are the difference between like. A “shit is just there it just Spawned” and “shit evolves” perspective. Do you see what I mean here. I am very sleepy writing this idk probably doesn’t make any sense but anyways!

Melkor is supposed to be evil or whatever (reasons for this and degree I think are up for some debate) but he is not totally divorced of The Divine Act of Creation any more than a guy changing a bunch of vegetables into some delicious stew is. This is fun to me because it’s a very clear but subtle reminder that divinity =/= good in a story so fraught with Problematic Divinity.

[luxwing]

I love it when people put religious imagery in shit just because it looks cool. Like yeah this burning, mindless demon is laying across a throne in the depiction of the Pietà, this eyeless monstrosity is raising its arms up to the sky while light surrounds it like a halo, these gigantic harbingers of death are covered in multiple wings as a choir sings of joy while they destroy the world, whatever the fuck was going on in Death Note, this shit rules. Like maybe it has a deeper meaning in its depiction, maybe it doesn't. All that matters is that this shit is really cool and it pisses off the worst people (practicers of Catholicism) hilariously.

[autistic-ben-tennyson]

Christian Themes in Ben 10

Before people light the torches and grab their pitchforks, this is not me making Ben 10 into evangelical republican propaganda, nor am I some moralistic Bible thumper like that person who called Steven Universe “anti god”. As someone who was raised Christian in a Christian culture, these were just things I picked up on while watching the series. This is an examination of the Christian motifs and themes present in the story, whether intentional by the writers or not. These elements are most prominent in UAF, particularly the Highbreed and Dagon story arcs and the episode “The Ultimate Sacrifice”. Ben 10 isn’t unique for having Christian themes or imagery but it’s seldom talked about, possibly due to being viewed as just a campy kids show meant to sell toys.

I think Ben 10 appeals to me because it’s fairly vague on pushing any religious ideas compared to SW and allows for different interpretations. The characters aren’t explicitly religious, allowing people to form their own headcanons, and aliens are shown to be behind the existence of the universe like with the Forge of Creation or Sir George getting Ascalon from Azmuth as opposed to God. That said, a story can create an atheistic universe while also containing allegories and references to real life religious stories.

Christian imagery and allegories can be found in many stories. Other cartoons and animes I enjoy like Neon Genesis Evangelion, Puella Magi Madoka Magica, Princess Tutu and Steven Universe are often cited as examples of this. With Evangelion and SU, the creators have denied there to be intentional Christian metaphors but many viewers have interpreted them that way. Steven is sometimes viewed as a Christ figure, as are Ahiru, Shinji and Madoka, with Pink Diamond being compared to God, although Rebecca Sugar cited Hillel the Elder as an inspiration for Steven, not Jesus, and was raised Jewish. This makes me wonder, could some view Ben this way too?

Ben is not the first person people would point at as a Christ figure which, again, may be influenced by how people view the series and his character. He is far from flawless which goes against the biblical narrative of Jesus being a perfect being, but also makes him more human. Despite that, one can find some similarities between him and Jesus. While less so than Steven, Ahiru or Madoka, Ben is a very compassionate and altruistic person who even at his most selfish wanted to help people. The first time we saw him was him attempting to defend a bullied peer. He also showed compassion for the Kraken when most would have seen it as a monster. While handsome, Ben is fairly plain looking compared to the long haired, pretty boy Kevin like Jesus being described as having a lack of beauty in Isaiah’s prophecy and is fairly average as a human compared to Gwen or Kevin.

Alien Force is where more of the Christian symbolism comes in. Ben befriending Kevin and offering him another chance may be compared to the disciples Matthew and Judas. Matthew being a tax collector, similar to Kevin being a criminal but offered a chance to change despite what he’s done. Kevin did betray Ben in the OS and in Ben’s perception he did it again in UA when absorbing the Ultimatrix. Unlike Judas, it wasn’t out of greed but self sacrifice to stop Aggregor and the team was able to save him and was quickly forgiven by Ben.

The biblical parallels don’t stop there. Azmuth compared the Omnitrix to Noah’s ark and Ben to Noah during the Highbreed invasion. The Omnitrix being a tool meant to bring different beings together can also be seen as very Christian in nature. There’s also Ben healing Reinrassig and the entire Highbreed race despite everything they did. Most would see them as unworthy of redemption or help but Ben still chose to save them. A lot of people, including those who claim to believe in restorative justice, forget that redemption isn’t meant to be for those who “earn” it and even those who’ve done bad things can be capable of change. Also, while a coincidence, like Greg and Blue Diamond from SU, I do see some similar imagery between Big Chill and the Virgin Mary, especially in “Save the Last Dance”.

Moving on to Ultimate Alien, the Dagon arc is filled with references to Christianity. The name Dagon comes from the god the Philistines worshiped in the Old Testament and was also a short story by HP Lovecraft. The writers had wanted to do a Lovecraftian story for AF s3 before CN interfered but got their chance with UA. The story of St George and the Dragon is retold by Driscoll with the in universe Sir George and Dagon being the inspirations for it. The Flamekeepers’ Circle is also meant to be a commentary on real world cults like Scientology and Mormonism especially with their charity outreach in impoverished nations and preying on people with good intentions like Julie.

I think “The Ultimate Sacrifice” is the most obvious biblical allegory in the series. Ben quips after waking up in the Ultimatrix that if he’s dead, “the place with the fiery red light” is not where he wants to go, a clear reference to Hell and eternal damnation. Then there’s the sacrifice itself. Ben accepts having to die to set the Ultimates free from suffering and forgives them for attacking him while giving an emotional goodbye to Gwen. For his selfless act, he is given another chance at life by the Ultimatrix. All of which people can compare to the resurrection story.

The themes of Ultimate Alien with Ben’s arc about power are very Christian as well. Ben accepts that he can’t be in control all the time and can’t determine people’s fates. “Duped”, while poorly executed, had a good message about how trying to please everyone pleases no one. He chooses not to kill Kevin after spending the whole arc angry over his failure to save the andromeda aliens and stop Aggregor, plus the aforementioned sacrifice of him giving his life for the Ultimates. Then there’s the final test that proves him worthy of the completed Omnitrix. He’s tempted to wipe out all evil which can seem appealing but realizes that he’d be stripping away the free will of every being in the universe and gives up the power.

I know this seems appalling to a lot of people here on Tumblr with how “give up control” have been weaponized by conservatives and what Christianity has become in our society. But Ben 10, for all its flaws with the writing, presents an idealistic view of the world regarding second chances, accepting differences and letting everyone, even the villains, have free will. It, as well as the other shows I’ve mentioned, can be seen as an example of a show with religious themes that doesn’t preach or condescend to its viewers and can be enjoyed by a broad range of people with different backgrounds.

[blairbarely]

[saveyoursunshine]

i am an actual real-life southamerican queer practicing catholic, and i genuinely dont have a problem with eddie's storyline. i know what it's like to have what you've been taught be the one thing holding you back, how the guilt can make you sick and handicap your entire life. i know how much work is needed to get through that, because it's the path i've had to take to get to where i am now.

and of course it's shown in a comedic light - it's a soap opera!! it's a pretty unfortunate way to be forced to face your issues, but it's also pretty funny (and i say this as someone who once almost went into monasteric life)

i hope they continue on with this storyline, because it's not only a sex issue - in this kind of culture (our culture) religion, sexuality, family, honor and duty are all intrinsically linked. because when we say "catholic guilt" we don't mean actual guilt over the religion itself, but the guilt all the random bullshit rules built around it in our society can bring up. i have friends who didn't even masturbate until their mid 20s because of taught repression!! that's how serious it is.

this isn't only about queerness either - yes, i do hope that's where they are going, but even if it didn't i still think it would be coherent with his growth-and-healing arc from the past few seasons.

[mina-le]

The coquettification of Catholicism

[lesbiansoncaffiene]

Religion/Spirituality in the Grishaverse (I am thinking thoughts)

I wanna talk about Leigh Bargudo’s handling of religiosity in the Grishaverse, especially within the Crows (Inej and Matthias) and how much it means to me as a religious person

So. So so so so so. I’m not sure how to exactly explain this feeling but I’m in love with the way Leigh wrote the religious aspects of Inej and Matthias’ characters, and how much it spoke to me as a religious person the same age as the characters (16-18-ish)

For both, their religion is something they grow up with, ingrained in them throughout childhood and while it may have wavered within both as they go through life (Matthias meeting Nina and Inej getting kidnapped) they still maintain a connection to their respective higher powers.

And that’s something you don’t really see a lot in books, especially YA books, since it’s either never mentioned or rejected by the characters/society (not that there’s anything wrong with that), but this characterization of young people who are tasked with so much and still choose to believe in something greater than themselves is very personal to me and a big split from the usual narrative.

I dunno, but the little aspects of their faith journeys, like Inej saying a prayer after winning a fight or Matthias staying connected to Djel in Hellgate, that really speaks to me. Because religion doesn’t have to be this huge show, it really can just be a girl thanking her Saints for her life.

And on the topic of Saints, I’m high-key obsessed with Leigh’s decision to make Saints as opposed to a bunch of gods/demigods. Saints are something that are mostly seen in Catholic/Christian doctrine, and seeing her include Saints made me feel more connected to the universe she created, as someone who is a practicing Catholic.

(Also Inej naming her daggers after Saints?? Icon)

Another element I found to be really touching was the fact that both Inej and Matthias are shown struggling with their faith. A lot of times, characters are shown being pretty cemented in their faith if they have ones and we get a glimpse of two kids (cause they are) who are struggling with the things they’ve done and things that have been done to them, and still maintaining their faith.

Especially Inej, grappling with the fact that she’s a whole ass-assassin, and still maintaining her faith for forgiveness. Which, I for one, fully believe that she would be forgiven, cause she has a good heart, and does what she does to survive.

I could go on (I could write a whole essay about this fr), but these are just some main thoughts on religion in the Grishaverse and how much it means to me as a religious person (a folk Catholic, specifically). My religion is a big part of my life because of the things that have happened in it and my reaction to them, and it’s really cool to see that reflected in YA literature

[rhubarb-pie]

Can God help me pick a Fig?

We all struggle with picking figs when they are ripe enough. Slyvia Plath's Fig Tree is what I am referencing here- so we are on the same page. Standing stagnant under my own tree of seemingly endless amounts of ripe figs, I cannot make decisions in my life.

I could buy a house instead of renting like everyone else in their 20s. I could travel the world instead of staying in the same city my entire life. I could return to university and get a PhD instead of climbing the corporate ladder. I could sit here all day and list every decision I am personally at a crossroads with. It seems like every option is so different, but it could all be brilliant.

This might be a bad time to bring up, but it's Sunday as I am writing this. I did not go to Sunday Mass. There weren't any real excuses, so now there is guilt. How can I ask God to still help me pick a Fig, if I couldn't even show up? Confession will be interesting.

Regardless, I still want to ask. Lord, how does one know which Fig is the *right* Fig? Are they all fruit for a reason? Will each decision be fruitful in some capacity? Which seeds will branch out to your plan for me? For anyone who might be reading this?

I have a feeling that I am getting some sort of anxiety over the decision-making for picking a Fig. How can I get over this anxiety? The only clear solution, before God can intervene, is to do our part.

My patron saint, St Joan of Arc (so so cool) has a quote "Act, and God will act, work and He will work". Let me apply some logic and try to pick some of the Figs I mentioned before.

I have an inkling that I will likely remain in the same city, as primary residence. I have been applying for mortgages and fiddling with budgeting tools. Considering I may be in the same location for a while, or even forever considering my family is near, I should pull the trigger and purchase a home. If a mortgage is not feasible, I rent. Simple. Both Figs are still on the table. One that is not apparent from this angle is more within reach than another. That is all.

With a properly thought out budget, I could still travel the world. It wouldn't be non-stop consecutive backpacking like I have done previously. Maybe that is okay! I won't choose the backpacking Fig, but maybe smaller Figs representing smaller vacations and trips. 3 small Figs could be the same size as the 1 large Fig.

I have two hands. I may have to pick 2 Figs. One for back to higher education and one for corporate ladder. How else will I pay for the degree?

Now that I write all of this out, which could have well been a journal entry in my diary, I have only one remaining question. What if God is just waiting for us to pick a Fig? Why would God even put the Figs there if he didn't want us to consider them? Our standing beneath the tree stagnant and frozen only keeps the ball in our court. How can God act if we do not act ourselves?

The frustration of wanting God to pick something for me, to do something for me, to change my life for me... is pathetic! Our Heavenly Father puts faith in us, as we do in Him. We should have faith in ourselves when we go to pick a Fig. God made us to exhibit free will! He will guide us on our next adventure after we do.

[unhommesansnom]

On religious based compulsion in mentally ill children: an Essay

TW: OCD, religion trauma, self harm,

This is my first ever Tumblr post!! I am just speaking into the void to see if anyone hears it, and if no one does that's okay, I just want to put some thoughts out there :)

In the name of the Father, The Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray to the Lord my soul to keep

If I should die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take,

God bless my Daddy and God bless my Mom

Amen

The debate as to whether it is ethical to teach children to believe certain religious dogmas at an age when they are unable to comprehend the difference between fact and faith is a very personal one to me. I was baptized to rid me of my sin before I was even capable of rolling over, let alone capable of understanding what hell is or the fact that I would go there if I, an infant, were to die before such a ceremony. More progressive teachings in the Catholic church would argue that unbaptized children would not be damned to eternal hellfire if they are not baptized, however the belief must still be there if the sacrament continues without a beat. Later, I will elaborate further on my issues with the argument that those who do not know the love of Jesus Christ will not make it into the gates of heaven, but that is a whole tangent, and I will put a pin in it for now.

As a child, parents tell lies to explain large ideas that the young mind cannot comprehend without immense fear, including lies to explain things that adults are not capable of understanding themselves. I believe there is a certain extent that lies can be told ethically to a child, for instance, excluding certain gory details about stranger danger while still emphasizing the message to stay away from adults, protecting their innocence while you still can, not exposing them to things that would interfere with their sleep and sense of safety. However, I believe it is extremely unethical to introduce the concept of God, Hell, and other religious dogmas to children without emphasizing that these are faith based beliefs, not tested facts that could be false. As a child, everything your parents tell you is your entire world and your entire belief system, and if you are provided with a safe and secure childhood, there should be no reason to question what your parents are telling you about the facts of the universe. I believe that if you are going to teach your children about religion, it should be taught in the way fairy tales are, in that they are parables and lessons provided to guide your child through moral dilemmas, form their sense of self internally and through their connection to others, and to provide a community of people who gather to spread love and positivity. I do not think it should be used as a tool to instill rules the child must follow, should not teach the child that if they do not follow those rules there are dire consequences, and I think it is dangerous to teach a child about any form of afterlife, hell or heaven alike, because it introduces topics too broad and nebulous for a child to grasp, let alone to bring any comfort to that child. The only instance in childhood where afterlife provided comfort to me was at funerals, being told ‘They’re in a better place,’ ‘At least they [the family of dead relatives] are together now,’ ‘we’ll meet again.’ While these are temporary comforts for a grieving child, I believe they lead to more confusing, harmful coping mechanisms down the road. The child will not properly grieve, because they do not understand that the person is really gone, and if that child, say, has an undiagnosed (as most mental illnesses remain when taught within the Catholic School system) that leads to intrusive thoughts and constant shame, the child will think that their dead relatives are omniscient beings who not only see their sins as they commit them, but also hear every ‘sinful’ (intrusive really) thought the child has but cannot control. Heaven looming over the heads of youths as a place where relatives, saints, and God can tune into your thoughts like flipping through television programs is a horrifying thing for a child to understand. The other constant fear is much more obvious and widely discussed, and that is the concept of hell. Luckily, Catholicism has a get out jail free card that is Reconciliation, so if you confess to your sins you can still get into heaven, but what about the fears of the child who has not yet reached that step in their sacramental journey yet? What of the child who goes to confession once a year, and fears throughout the rest of it of dying a sudden death and suffering in hell forever? What of the child who has no sense of scaling when it comes to sin, who for some reason believes that having sexual thoughts will give them a one way ticket to the same eternal resting place of men like Hitler? In my case, sadly, I fear I would go to hell no matter how many times I prayed the Act of Contrition and feared that no amount of repentance would wipe away the ultimate sin I was committing by existing. Despite baptism, despite confession, despite my nightly compulsions to pray acts of repentance, I still believed that I deserved to go to hell and did not deserve saving. Who would have thought that a religion whose main message is that we are all born impure, sinful beings would lead children to experience constant shame and self-hatred.

Oh my God I am sorry I have sinned with all my heart.

In choosing to do wrong and failing to do good

I have sinned against You, who I should love above all things.

I firmly intend with your help, to do penance, to sin no more, and to avoid whatever leads me to sin

Our Savior, Jesus Christ, suffered and died for us,

In His name, have mercy.

Amen

I have alluded to mental illness I have experienced in childhood. I believe that as a child I had undiagnosed obsessive compulsive disorder worsened by religious teachings. The illness started as intrusive thoughts that would loop for hours on end, until it would become so bad I would throw up or have a panic attack. As mentioned above the self-hatred that is programmed into children by Catholicism, when you are suffering as a deeply religious child, you believe that a) you are a burden if you let this illness show and interfere with others lives, because you are taught that others come first, to put yourself aside, and b) this is your cross to bear, Jesus died for you, he was whipped, stabbed, crucified, how is it that the thoughts in your head are comparable to the suffering of He who did not complain?, and c) turn to the lord and you shall have no reason to fear, and if you do fear, then your faith must be weak and your belief is not sound. For these reasons, I kept my anxieties about death and the universe in my head, ultimately making them worse. I would not be able to think for hours at a tiem because of these thoughts constantly looping in my head, losing sleep and peace. When I had my first panic attack, I could not explain it to my parents. MY parents are extremely loving, yet I could not tell them I was terrified to die. All that triggered it was a horrible John Travolta movie in which he dies in the first ten minutes, laughable looking back at it, but this was turned on a night where my thoughts were already looping and unrelenting. I started panicking, unable to breath, my parents God bless them, had no experience with this and pulled the classic paper bag trick. As I said they are inexperienced with this, and they did not ask if anything was bothering me, did not consider this might be a mental crisis, instead thinking I was having an asthma attack. One expensive trip to the ER later and it was discovered that yes, I was just having a panic attack, and when asked what was going on, I said simply that I was really stressed out from school (fourth grade mind you). That night my mother taught me a prayer with good intention but would soon become a part of a ritual that would keep me up at night for hours.

Angel of God, my gaudian dead,

To whom God’s love comits me hear,

Ever this day be by my side,

To light, to guard, to rule, to guide.

Amen

In the name of the Father, The Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

The number one reason I can say with confidence that I was suffering from OCD was a child was my nightly ritual that I now realize was compulsions I could not control.  Each evening before falling asleep, I had to say goodnight to my mother and father and tell them I loved them, or I believed I would die in my sleep and never get the chance to tell them again. If I happened to go to bed without completing this first task, I would toss and turn, unable to sleep, riddled by fear of my death or theirs. At least two times I can remember sneaking into their bedroom at ungodly hours crying just to say, ‘I love you!’ and leave, finally able to sleep peacefully. The second part of this ritual was not so simple to correct. Each night I had to say my three prayers, in order, perfectly, or I would die and not make I into heaven. Sounds simple, you say the same prayers every night you would think it would be an easy task to complete, but I would start over if my mind got distracted by other things and I wasn’t ~present~ for my insane nightly task. I would forget how to say the prayer, I would forget what prays I had already said, I would say them in the wrong order or forget whether I had already prayed that night, starting over sometimes five times an evening. Bad days where I sinned more than usual or was having relationship issues with friends or family, these nights called for full blown on the knee’s hands clapped together prayer, in addition to a rosary prayed. Unfortunately, these were not my only form of repentance, and around 4th grade, although I did not have the language to understand it, was the time I started to self-harm. I used to compulsively pick every scab, ingrown hair, and pimple on my body, including trying to rip off any moles or freckles I might have had (successfully I may add). However, this took a new form. After getting into a fight with my best friend, which ended with me insulting him in a way I did not even believe, I vividly remember scratching my wrist raw in my mother bathroom because I thought it was the only way to say sorry to the Lord for what I had done. I was not worthy of His, nor my friend’s, forgiveness. This became a frequent coping mechanism of mine, and my mother would always ask me what happened, I would simply say I had eczema and itched it in my sleep. Having a past of allergies and skin picking, my mom would believe me and just tell me to use anti-itch cream and not to pick. Let’s just say that did not work.

 As my Catholic school education continued, the religious messaging was no longer vague, it was extremely rule based, and as sexualities develop and bodies change, the teachings take on a much darker, scarier message that you are sexually broken. I am queer and this was not the right environment for a queer child who loved God. I often find it difficult to relate to certain corners of discussions about queer religious trauma, because often this trauma comes in externally by the church environment they were raised in, and not from believing in God. While that was a large part, the hardest part for me as a child was truly believing God loved me, not unconditionally, but on the condition that I behave by a certain set of rules and behave perfectly. An unfortunate aspect of Catholic teachings is the concept that God hears every thought you have no matter how insignificant, at any moment of the day. Terrifying. I believed I was sinning if I had a single thought about sex, so I would purposefully try not to think about it, but in doing so was thinking about it, and it would cause a shame spiral of thinking about it, tryng not to and asking for God’s forgiveness, but then thinking about it again as the cycle repeats. I would pray at church to take away my thoughts, would dream of being a nun or anything to keep God’s love, praying to no longer have gay or even sexual thoughts. I felt broken and dirty, even though I was not aroused by these thoughts, later I discovered I am asexual, but I would think about sex out of curiosity or impulse, not even experiencing a physiological sensation from it, I still believed I was sinning by thinking about it. Obviously, this led to a delay in understanding my sexuality, because questioning it at all was a sin in my eyes and the eyes of every adult who was sending me the message that being gay did not align with the ways of the Church. I feared losing the love of God who I adored and losing my place within the congregation. I loved the rituals. I loved the sacraments. I loved the routines. I loved the mythology, the bible, the stories that contained the secrets of life. I loved it all so much and I feared that if I even thought about being with someone, I would lose my favorite part of living. So rather than exploring those parts of myself, I dived deeper into the Church, going to conferences, church twice a week, making my family go with me, constantly praying. MY family would make fun of me because come on who becomes MORE Catholic than their parents. Any time an intrusive thought would come in, there was an escape within religion, and this led to coping mechanisms that were not coping at all, but just compulsions and rituals.

I fear I have not said all I want to say on the topic. I fear I have started many thoughts that I did not fully elaborate on, but I am not going to reread this in fear of deleting the whole thing. I decided to start writing again for the first time in years and it feels good. I’ve decided to finally share my thoughts because I want to find someone to relate to. I am doing good now and I have found comfort in certain aspects of my old theology, however I have found that organized religion is not a safe space for me, and it is my belief it is not safe for children. I am sure I will continue to write about religion, as it was formative for how my brain processes just about everything, and it has given me unique perspectives.

[tapewyrm-talks]

Thinking about my experiences with catholic girlhood is so funny sometimes for a multitude of reasons. 1) I remember it being controversial for my siblings and I to be altar servers because we were "girls" which is so funny. 2) I remember actively being in church and going through my memorized prayers like a checklist, while also in the back of my mind being like "So god totally can't be real right?" And then praying for forgiveness for questioning God while I was praying. 3) so much of my time in church while altar serving was spent imagining the hypothetical consequences I would face if I just started tearing things off the altar and knocking candles over while screaming. 4) not being able to say "knock on wood" because it's superstition??? 5) lying about having a dream vision from God, and mostly being believed.

My best moments I think were when I bit the youth pastor, and the time I rescued a snake from the priests dressing room (very iconic and symbolic imo)

[vitamin-zeeth]

guys im reading previous years' dissertation essays for my English course to give me ideas and this one person wrote the most stunning perfect beautiful analysis of religion and relationships in Brideshead Revisited and I'm going insane about it. I need to find this person and talk with them forever about Evelyn Waugh.